I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
