The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
