"it" just moved
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize