last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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