I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
