you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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