Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
