so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
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