just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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