I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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