"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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