HIV tests are more positive than that guy
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
