So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Dignity is for republicans.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
