i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
