There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
