I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
