the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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