you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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