So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
