are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
