Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
You may now shotgun with the bride
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
