hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize