You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
The air was thick with penises
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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