also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
