My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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