nut hugger
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
