Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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