did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
worst night to have a conscience
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
