You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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