i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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