my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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