Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize