I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
i now understand why vodka
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
