I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
