you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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