so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
