I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
