i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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