Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Randomize
