Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
