ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
