ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
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