is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
