There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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