i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
