he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
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