Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Randomize
