Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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