Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
