okay pat passed out under dana's car
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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