you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize