i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Barsexuality is the new black.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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