I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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