so that wasnt chicken after all
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
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