When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
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