I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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