So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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