My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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