The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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