i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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