right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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