I accidentally burped into my bong.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
